my webpage
livejournal
crush chronicles
listen to me, i'm on the stereo:
get up and dance!
rawk!
scottish pride
(i think i'm obsessed with my cd burner)
links:
sarah
gleebs
jamie
matt(y)
goose
chrissy
tara
kitana
lannie
meghan
tavie
beth
allison
ryan
nicole
colleen
sam
refugee camp
matt
julie
and then there are the local people. i just listen to "bells on" by sloan and think of them. who would actually go to my funeral and be sad? i mean, i know that a lot of my school would go, but who would be extremely upset over it? would raft-boy? would he go up to my mum and tell her that he was in love with me? because i'd do that at his funeral. would other people confess that they secretly liked me, even just as a companion, even if they never had a conversation with me? would i be watching them and discover how many more friends i could have had?
i really think i ponder over this too much. but seriously, how much would be revealed if i were to die? it's a mystery.
sorry for this depressing post. i've been in this mood for...a few months. i just haven't talked about it.
hi beth! heehee...(note: this is not oklahomian beth, nor brian's girlfriend beth. this is just the beth who knows exactly what i'm going through regarding raft-boy.)
that's all, really.
i wonder, if i called jenna's house, would she be home? or is she down on the cape this weekend? i think she would be. but we have to make our plans for monday...i don't know if she still wants to go with me. hmm....
i'm getting a bed in two weeks! haha...okay, i don't really have an actual bed right now. i haven't since december or something like that. i just have a mattress on the floor. which is pretty cool, but my mum doesn't like it. so, we're getting me a twin-size bed (which i'm excited about because mine's big and it takes up way too much space in my room) with a frame and everything, in two weeks. but that means i have to actually clean my room...which probably won't happen. [g] but actually having a bed is going to mess up everything...because right now i have the mattress blocking my closet doorway. but it's not really blocking it, i just walk right over it. but with a whole bed, it'll be difficult. i'll have to move around everything in my room...and i finally had it a way i liked it. : Þ
but...yeah. that's my story for today. i had my grandmother's funeral this morning. my step-cousin (is there such a thing, or is all that "removed" junk?) was there. other than last night, i hadn't seen him for almost a year. in third grade or something like that, before his mother married my uncle, i used to have a crush on him. not a huge crush, just a little tiny tiny one that didn't even matter. but i think he knew it. so we always avoided each other after that. today we actually talked. he was very reserved. until at the end of the reception, i had a headache and he asked if i was feeling okay. and then later he asked if i knew which pickles were the sweet ones. i know it doesn't seem like much, but we haven't talked literally for over five years. [g]
last night, i was talking to my sister about raft-boy and she commented that i had it bad. um...that's saying a lot. you haven't seen her obsess. so...am i this obvious? or is it just because she's my sister and sometimes i actually do talk to her? unfortunately (or fortunately? i'm trying to be more obvious toward him) i think the first is the case. i don't know if he gets it yet, though...boys are dumb. [g]
but....other than that, i have nothing to say. i'm bored. maybe i'll get off now. because i have to get up early tomorrow for the funeral. why haven't i been able to sleep in late the past few weekends? this is so unfair.
adam was just here...he just left. god, i still love his voice. he didn't even notice i was here at first, but then i went to get some orange juice and he started talking to me. i complained about school to him. [g] but seriously...i am completely over him, but i still love his voice. it's just...nice. i don't know. but his hair's long again. he needs to get it cut. every time i see him lately (which is...twice since december), he's had it long. even though he supposedly gets it cut. suuure...but he's home for the rest of the semestre. i don't know why, my sister says she can't say, but he didn't drop out because he's going back next year. this is a mystery i must solve. [g] but the way she said it, it sounds like something serious is going on...but he's fine. i mean, i just saw him and, other than in desperate need of a haircut, he's great.
okay, i did not originally plan to come on here and ramble about my past three-year obsession...today was a zeppelin-filled day (sort of...?). this morning, waiting at the mall for the bus to come, i was listening to the radio in the car, desperately looking for a good song. stairway to heaven finally came on, and i was so excited. about two minutes into the song, the bus comes. of course. but then i went to boston and bought a cd with it on it. and then, on the way home from my grandmother's wake tonight, kashmir was on the radio. woo!
and my speakers are really annoying me. i have headphones on, but they're only coming in one ear. and it's not like the headphones are worn out or anything, because this is the second time i've used them (i thought my others were broken, but apparently it's just my speakers...). grrr....
i wonder if we'll actually have school monday. actually, we will have it all week because i have no field trips. stupid people. i don't like my school. can you tell?
butler is a mental hospital in providence, by the way...kristen thinks i'm insane. especially since i just got kicked off and came back with a reply that was related to raft-boy. haha. but you know what i say to her? "insanity is fun if that's the way it's done." yep.
but...yeah. too bad i'm only a juniour. does this sound familiar? you'll be hearing this over and over for the next twelve months (at least). get used to it. i absolutely hate my school. i mean, the principal talked about the stupid bomb scares and how dumb the students are for the speech at my national honours society induction ceremony. uh, thanks. and then he really told us at one assembly that athletes are more important than scholars. he seriously just straight out said it. can you see why i don't like my school? a year and two months left...oh, and another thing. on freshman day, he told us that half of us would drop out and the other half would be druggies. thanks for having confidence in us. yeah.
i really am rambling today...i'm just so fed up with everything tonight. i'm talking to erica, and she's annoying me because of our conversation about raft-boy. she used to be supportive. then...she suddenly wasn't. i mean, she's still a wicked good friend and all, but i wish she wouldn't change her opinions like that. it annoys me. besides, she never approves of my crushes. and it's not like they're bad or anything. i mean, she never ever liked adam. which was fine, because we had just met and i didn't really value her opinion too much. she still swears that he was a complete jerk. but he was never like that to me. and now she always says bad stuff about raft-boy. but i don't feel like i can believe her opinion. but i'm still friends with her...
i think i should just not have crushes. they screw up all my friendships. well, almost all of them. my friendship with brian has strengthened a lot since i told him about my crush one day at a basketball game. but that's the exception rather than the rule.
i should really stop typing now. because it started with how much i can't wait to go to college and it ended up with how much my crushes screw up my life. yeah...bye.
and not only the issue with my friends, but i don't talk to him. since november, i have literally talked to him once every two months. i mean, what kind of crush is that? well, besides one of someone who's scared to death of confrontation. i had this talk with brian today. i can actually talk to him about this stuff. he rocks. now, if i could only have a heart-to-heart talk with raft-boy instead of about him...i wish i could just talk to him and complain about not going to the prom. and he could ask "why aren't you?" and i could be like, "well, first i can't afford it. and besides, i'd never find anyone who would go with me." and then he could say, "i'd go with you if you were going and asked me..." ha, yeah right. he would never, ever say that. nobody would. i suck.
i'm really just venting right now...i think he should come on and see this and be like, 'oh, i wonder if she's talking about me. i should talk to her.' once again, that would never happen. i am such a loser.
but yesterday (?) after school, he was so incredibly cute. he did this thing, and i loved it. it was completely idiotic, but...it made me laugh. he should make me laugh more often. too bad he doesn't...
just another thing to add to the horrible night that will be may 4th (the prom): angry salad will be performing at the middle east in cambridge. since this is an 18+ show and i am only 17, this makes me very mad because that's the closest they've come (besides to a college...probably even including colleges) in over a year. i seriously need a fake id. less than a year until i can legally go to these concerts. i should write a letter to them and complain. grrr...
seriously, may 4th will be the night of hell. i'm not going to the prom when all my friends are after they said they weren't, and i can't go to the angry salad concert. i can already tell i will be sitting at home, bawling my eyes out all night. great way to spend the evening, wouldn't you say?
THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!!
why is there always no school on days i have a field trip anyway? grrr...of course, i have no field trips next week but the water pump will be fixed by then. it's so completely unfair...
"if you play with my hair one more time..." i'm watching the video again. it's definitely the vcr, because i haven't watched this part a million and four hundred fifty-two times and it's still messed up. "i could say a certain somebody who should remain nameless likes a certain [raft-boy's name]." yeah, that's kristen talking on my tape. those are the normal conversations. then she starts singing "bungalo bill" and rambling about anything...occassionally, my voice comes in so it doesn't sound like she's talking to herself. "hey, do you have any unusual talents or hobbies, besides stalking a certain someone who shall remain nameless?" see, we knew her parents would be watching it. and i didn't want them knowing about my obsession, really. [g]
and then we start talking about noses...hey! some stupid girl got in my view of raft-boy! not fair! half of the thing's missing, because kristen messed up and taped over it...[g]
okay, i'm actually going to go watch it now...[g]
or it might just be this vcr. my mum said it's having problems. i hope it's just that. [g]
hmm...now i have nothing to do. it's a good thing my mum said she'd call the house at 1:30 to see if i was home or not, because if she didn't then she wouldn't know i was home and then i would have no ride back to the school for spotlight. she's so smart to think of that. [g]
i'm going to go watch the tape kristen made me now...i watched the same twenty-five seconds over and over and over this morning while getting ready for school. obsessed? nah. [g] i might actually make it *past* those twenty-five seconds this time...
i think i'm going to go to the stores this weekend to buy hoodies. because i need some. i only have one (my powerpuff girls hoodie that i wear all the time at home, i'm wearing it right now) and i need more. yes.
fifty-two minutes...heehee. i need a life.
i have spotlight tomorrow...it's the last one. it reminds me of the last one last semestre when a certain someone did not go. but it was okay, because of after. kind of. not really. but we can pretend it was okay. [g]
ooh, i want this! gleebs, don't you have this? then i can be just like you! [g] aww, my mum won't buy it because she says it's too expensive. i need a job, really. this is pathetic. my goal was to get my license by this summer. everyone laughed at me because they thought i would have it way before then. look, it's two months until summer. am i even close to getting my license? no way. grrr...
my brother wants to be a sumo-wrestler (?). yeah, he just has about five hundred pounds to gain, because he's a stick...it's so unfair.
thirty-two minutes...maybe i should im them. but...i don't want to bug them. because i get the impression that i do that. maybe i should ask them. hmm...nah. i'll just sit here and send them vibes. [g]
i really need a life. maybe i should talk about my day. well, i was planning on having fourth period and actually going to study for once. because i had to read two chapters in the great gatsby. so, i'm sitting in evil trig class third period, writing a letter to beth and completely not paying attention to the teacher, and the principal comes over the loudspeaker. we had another bomb scare. so we all had to go out to the football field, and almost as soon as we got out there, the sun goes behind the clouds. it did not come back until we were going back into the school. stupid.
and raft-boy sat on the complete opposite end of the bleachers, so i couldn't see him. nate said he was sitting right in front of him. too bad nate doesn't appreciate it. nate doesn't like him for some reason. he strongly disapproves. too bad for him. nate's been annoying me lately. maybe it's just because i spend such incredible amounts of time with him. we need to spend some time apart. well, he'll be going to france next thursday afternoon. and then it's vacation, so i guess that'll be good.
thirty-six minutes...how much would it be for a guy to actually like me? i mean, it wouldn't even have to be someone i like back. just...someone. i'd be so flattered if a guy liked me more than as friends. even if it was nate. it would never ever work between us, but i'd especially be flattered because he knows all my faults and would still like me in spite of them. but...he wouldn't like me. nobody would. i am pathetic.
i'm shutting up now...thirty-eight minutes. bah.
i bet nobody else gets this excited about being able to go to church...what's wrong with me? i have absolutely no idea.
and i have church tonight but i can't go...or at least i don't think so because emily never told me if she could give me a ride or not. i bet raft-boy's father would give me a ride if i called him up. he's so cool. okay, raft-boy's whole family is cool. he's probably the uncoolest one. why do i like him? i'm so dumb sometimes...well, it's kind of obvious why i don't like his father, but what about his brother? i'm weird...
but i got to see the tape kristen made for me today! i kept getting distracted, because The Demonic One kept appearing...heehee.
okay, when people talk to me online, do you ever notice the *dun-dun-dun* pause of death? (heehee) for some reason, it happens in every single one of my online conversations. i don't understand it. i mean, i can be having the most interesting conversation in the world, but the pause of death is inevitable. sometimes i don't really care (as in, right now the only thing i've said to kristen for the past fifteen minutes is "la la la la...") but other times i feel the need to say *anything* just so i don't look like an idiot (and, as proven when talking to sam, i end up looking like even more of an idiot). what is wrong with me? i don't understand. but i felt like telling everyone about the pause of death. because, if you ever do talk to me online, it's not your fault that i have random twenty-minute pauses. sorry. [g]
oh yeah, the other reason that i wrote about it was because i'm absolutely bored. and i don't feel like doing my trig homework that was due today. [g] oh, i have to read some chapters in the great gatsby because we have a test on it tomorrow...it looks like i'll actually go to study tomorrow instead of computer graphics so i can read it. that is, if nate doesn't try to tell me the whole story. stupid boy.
okay, kristen keeps an account of inside jokes and stuff on her webpage, and on my section (it's in the friends section...nevermind, just go here) there's one that says "yeah, PERSONAL" and we cannot figure out what it's from. we've been trying to figure this out for about a year now. this is all we've figured out:
and...then our conversation moved on to raft-boy. [g]
"dong! dong! where is my automobile?" "automobile? vroom vroom roooom *spsh!* ...lake! big lake!" heehee...it's probably sad how i can recite this whole movie. oh well. [g] "we don't have to announce to everyone that she got her period!" oh, lord...
i think emily should come on. because i have to get a ride to church tomorrow night, or else i can't go for the second week in a row. that would be sad.
anyway...yeah. apparently everyone knows the server's working again, because i can never log into the ftp server to publish this. grrr...[g]
but the field trip wasn't *that* bad. it was at a hotel and i stole glass cups (heehee...it's tradition, my sister also does it [g]), and i won a bike helmet (?). that was very random. but other than that...eh. i could've done better by coming home. because there was a sliders marathon on scifi from eleven to four, and so i only saw the last episode at three and it was the snake episode that i don't like. oh well...
heehee...sadly, that took me the better part of over an hour. html deficient? nah, just an idiot. the stupidest thing is that it's actually something i did on one of the earliest versions of my webpage. i just...forgot. ha. but i finally figured it out, so that's good, right? [g]
what else did i do? i got a 92 on my chemistry test. this upsets me, since i had been pulling either 96's or 100's on everything in that class. and plus, i need it to make up for my trig grade (i've been pulling a 73 on the last four or five tests). so i'm not really an over-achiever. i'm just concerned.
umm i really have nothing to say today. i'm being boring. i'm sorry. no, really, i am. i wish i had a life.
this also looks like someone i know...i wonder if melissa came to my school and took pictures of the guys. she should have taken pictures of raft-boy instead, if she did. but then again, pictures of him don't come out. i should know.
i need to go to sleep...
he has the appearance of a tall person, wouldn't you say? sadly, he looks nothing like raft-boy. there were no options of guys with glow-in-the-dark radioactive hair. [g]
also, i have too much fun with arrows: 
to provide relief from my stupid rambles, i bring to you create a boy. oddly enough, mine resembled a guy i know...screen capture coming soon. don't doubt it. [g]
today i actually talked to brian online. that's the first time for me. well, i imed him friday night but he got off. but then he got off again tonight and then i had to restart my computer and when i came back on, he was back on. but we're not talking again. [g] oh, now he got off. yes, this is my exciting life. i'm talking to kristin and emily. emily saw raft-boy today. she did not talk to him. she asked me, 'what was i supposed to talk about, you?' to which i replied yes. [g]
my mum is complaining that i'm typing too loud. this may be true, but i don't care. my brother also types very loud. my mum...doesn't type. she types very slowly, which is probably why she doesn't type loud. i find that people who type fast type loud.
i'm bored. can you tell? maybe i'll go work on my webpage...
and people need to update their blogs. nobody's been doing it all day. and it's really annoying me. because i have no life and have therefore been checking all the blogs every ten minutes. (actually, not really because it takes me forever to get every single page to load because i have a lot of blogs to check!) i am bored. very very bored. i wish the bannerless.com pages were working...
my brother actually tried fixing the scanner today. it still does not work. i think we might have to buy a new one. let's see how many scanners we can break in one year, seriously. we just bought this one a couple weeks ago...my computer sucks.
this morning (or afternoon, since i didn't get up until 12:15 at the earliest) my brother told me that we can already do screen captures on our computer. thanks. so i downloaded that program for nothing. der...
matt made a webpage. yay.
being online at 3:30 in the morning leads to extreme boredom. woohoo!